Day 6: Attitude
With rest comes perspective.
Today’s post was supposed to be about something else, but when I woke up, my plan for the day didn’t feel like the right one. I needed to make some changes at home – things here were feeling a little too stuck. Too heavy. I’d like to think that the reason for this has to do with this experiment. Or is this an exercise? I’m not sure what to call this series of little changes. In any case, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to rearrange things. I needed to clean. I needed to change my attitude.
This came out of a sudden recognition that over the course of the last few months, my attitude towards my home had shifted and this change of heart is weighing heavily on me. My home feels like a burden.
Around this time last year, I promised myself that I wouldn’t renew my lease. I had outgrown my surroundings and living in an old apartment building that wasn’t (and still isn’t) receiving the TLC it desperately needs was taking its toll on me. My dream apartment had served its purpose and I was ready to move on. I didn’t make this decision easily – there’s a lot to love about my life here. It was never perfect, but I know I’m going to look back on my time here fondly.
To keep a very long story short, I didn’t move. 2020 happened, I’m still here, and I still have one foot out the door.
As I started to rearrange things, I started to feel better. Somewhere between pulling everything off the windowsills and washing the baseboards in my little reading room, it occurred to me that what I was doing honoured the person I had been as I settled into this apartment. A person that had been so excited to move in. A person that had spent countless hours scrubbing every surface, taking down and gently washing what might have been the world’s grimiest blinds, trying to clean old radiators, and fixing screens in windows. The process of erasing the traces of previous tenants made the space feel lighter. Easier to breathe in. Literally and figuratively. I needed to feel that again.
Today I learned that there is a palpable difference between the energy of a home that is inhabited by a person who is settling in and the one of someone who is leaving. With this lesson also came another important realization: I want to leave this apartment in a different state of mind than the one I am in. It’s time to shift my attitude. It’s time to learn how to live somewhere in between staying and leaving.
Resolutions like this are risky - somehow, some higher power always manages to send you a test. Mine came this afternoon as I left my apartment. When I shut the door, the doorknob decided that it too wanted to leave the building. In my hand.
Perfect timing.
I thought about fixing it myself before I came to my senses, called the management company to let them know that they would need to send a locksmith, saw the humour in the situation, taped up the latch, and got on with my day. This is annoying, but it’s not my problem. I’m getting out of here, and in the meantime, I’m going savour the things I love about living here.
P.S. The door won’t be fixed for a few days, and that’s just fine.